ME AND MY EVANGELICAL UPBRINGING. Originally published on 3/30/2016

“Their words struck the apostles as nonsense, and they didn’t believe the women.” ~Luke 24:11 (CEB)

Today as I sat at church I was skeptical. I was skeptical of what the liturgies meant, and of the call to worship. I was skeptical of the responses between the pastor and the congregation, and of the significance of saying “sins” instead of “trespasses” in the Lord’s Prayer. I was skeptical of the songs sung, and the order of the service. I was skeptical of whether the individuals in the room actually believed or were simply there because it was expected of them or maybe because it was Easter. I was skeptical as to why the choir did not seem very passionate in their singing.

I was skeptical. And I was on high alert.

Attending the church I grew up at used to bring me a calming peace and joy, but now that peace and joy is not so calming. I am nervous and on edge. Afraid of what people are thinking, saying…doing. It is all I can do to judge them because after all they are judging me, right? A girl who has completely changed. A girl who tries so fervently to hide what she has against her old church, her old denomination, her old pastors. So they must be judging me because I am judging them.

But that is plainly irrational. No one must be doing anything. In fact, why am I judging them? I know these people, they probably haven’t changed that much, and I’m sure their view of me hasn’t really either.

But then again, I have changed significantly in the matter of only 12 months, and there are certainly people that think of me completely differently.

And they think of me differently in good ways though too!

The bad ways still exist however, and you know who those people are. You know those people exist, and are not just projecting your feelings.

I hardly doubt “those people” actually think that differently about you, Melanie. And even if they do, it is something completely unexpected from you, some time…and yes even a year may be necessary to adjust to your sexuality and all that you have been through and become. Especially since you hardly see them anymore! And who cares if a few people do think of you differently? You’ve got plenty of others!

Well yes that is true and logical, but it is hard, and what about……?

Just talk to her. I bet she misses you. Even if her theological convictions are polar opposite to yours. You know that love is central in her theology.


This debate is an often occurrence for me. And this Easter Sunday it happened as I sat in the pew before the service began. I pondered over my upbringing and how it influenced my faith life and perspectives on life. I thought about the conversation I had with my mom’s cousin about how the slightest differences in people’s lives can change the lens you read the Bible through so drastically at times.

As I sat, I decided to find everything that was wrong with the service and the Covenant. I searched for the absence of the things that I wished I were taught, and I now consider essential to theology, and well…faith and life in general. I searched for anything that could be contradicted or was incorrect.

I was skeptical. And I was on high alert.

The service started I noticed the differences between the church I now attend and my old one. I noticed things that were simply different, and had no inherent rightness or wrongness about them. However, I soon found myself falling into the trap of confirmation bias. I began to search and seek out things that would prove my hypothesis that my evangelistic upbringing is what made me so skewed and narrow-minded in my thinking. I took note that most of the hymns we sang were under a category in the hymnal entitled Easter: Resurrection, and I thought to myself, “Cheaters. They can’t even come up with songs themselves and put their own opinions or effort into the service.”

I quickly noticed my misjudgment, and tried to remain fair and unbiased in my already clearly skewed, narrow-minded, and biased opinion of what evangelism truly is.

Then the sermon came, and consciously aware that I was slyly brushing anything I deemed “correct thinking” under the rug, I listened and took notes feverishly. That is because I needed to have proof for my hypothesis, and not because what was being said was good or because I needed to hear it (which ironically both were very much the truth).

I was disappointed and totally sucker punched. Now I don’t know if they knew I was coming, and prepared the sermon accordingly, or if the church has changed since I last attended, but I can swear that it never used to be like that.

What I deem as “correct thinking” was weaved into the sermon and graciously tossed among the pews and sprinkled onto the choir. Not only were historical and scientific findings and facts included and discussed, but so were cultural differences. The pastor examined the significance of women finding the empty tomb, and what that meant back then. He (yes, a male pastor taking on a feminine and feminist theological perspective) then continued to discuss other possible reasons for the disappearance of Jesus, again using science and culture. He ended with what he found to be the most plausible situation for the empty tomb. He did so in a manner that did not pressure or discount other possibilities, but in a way that pointed to the accuracy of his truth, while respectfully declining the others. This was all done in only 20 minutes too.

And to top it all of… one of his main points was that skeptics are welcome and even encouraged.

God punched me in the face, and I blacked out.

When I metaphorically came to. I took a step back, and assessed why I was so resentful, and set on coming up with any reason to prove why the Covenant is awful. Yes, the Covenant hurt me. And people betrayed me, but I have been forgiven and God and I have reconciled for the hurts and disagreements. There had to be something else. There has to be something else.

Love and Faith,
Melanie J. Lofgren