AN OPEN LETTER TO MY YOUTH PASTOR. Originally published on 4/14/2016
“The smile on my face doesn’t mean my life is perfect. It means I appreciate what I have and what God has blessed me with.” ~Unknown
Dear Brother in Christ,
Today marks a year since you sent me an email talking about how we lost contact with each other. You mentioned that you figured out that I was in a relationship with another girl, and that as my reference I should have disclosed that information with you, and then you suggested I share the information with my employers. I did so, and the following week I met with one of them to discuss the situation and what would happen from that point on. Afterwards, we started talking about my story, and the coming out process, and he mentioned that you had emailed him. This was new information to me, and I asked when you had sent the email. You did so before you had emailed me. I later asked my other employer if you had contacted him, and he responded by referring me to you, in other words yes you had.
I understand why the information needed to be shared, and I understand where I need to take responsibility and fault. However, the one thing I truly just cannot be fair about or find any reason for it being okay, is the fact that you informed my employers about my relationship before I was even aware you had any idea about the relationship. This would imply that you never confirmed or asked me about it, and you also did not receive my consent to share the information. I was unaware and never gave you the okay to share part of story. A part that I was still wrestling with and afraid to share with anyone outside of North Park.
The day after your email, April 15, marked my 6 month anniversary. I had been debating making a post and “fully” coming out, but was leaning towards not doing so. However, I felt like I was being forced to come out anyway since you called me out for my lack of honesty, so I said, “what the hell! If I have to tell my employers I might as we tell the world.” So I made a post. This made it so some of my closest friends found out over Facebook rather from me personally, and it has strained my relationship with those people.
You hurt me. I can’t give an elaborate explanation or analysis or thesis about how and why. Though, someone once told me (it is also probably some cheesy quote) that you may not remember what was done or said to you, but you will always remember how they made you feel. For months I was pissed. Flat out infuriated. I could not do or look at or partake in anything that reminded of you or The Loft or the Covenant and in turn Christianity. I could not wear Loft shirts (I even removed them from my drawer). I could not read my favorite author, because she is Christian. I did not want to talk to or see my friends because they were covenant or they were Christian or went to North Park. I considered transferring schools, but I could not go to the only public institution I was interested in because it is in Minnesota, and you are from Minnesota. I think you get my point.
Since coming out, I have lost friends or we are at least not nearly as close as we were. I notice changes in the way people act around me. I notice eye rolls. I sense hidden agendas. I sense the strong attempts to act normal. I try so incredibly hard to not place this on the fact that they are Christian (and yes they all are. It is those that are not Christian that have given me endless support.) I also realize that I act differently too, but I expect to be treated differently. This is stereotype threat. It is also self-handicapping and the self-fulfilling prophecy, but it is still rooted in the idea that people are judging me and think less of me. And to be honest I have noticed this. Mostly in the form of microaggression, which is partly why I am so obsessed with the topic, but I won’t get into that now.
My depression has worsened, and part of this is on me. Me trying to give grace and forgive so easily and quickly without allowing myself time to grieve. Me being stubborn. The way my mind interprets things; it told me that I did something wrong, that I was hurting people, and that I was to blame, but I combated that. I fought it so much so that I ended up switching the blame to everyone and everything associated with God and Christianity (especially evangelism). I used too many cognitive distortions for coping to name them all. And satan took advantage of all this. Once I began to drop, once I hated God, satan grabbed me and pulled me under. Satan told me you ripped my heart out and served it on a silver platter to him. He fed me lie after lie after lie, and I licked that plate clean. Although, I can’t give satan all the credit. I told myself a lot of this too, as did society.
I was told that everything I learned about Christianity, was wrong, invalid, or irrelevant. This is not true though. You have been a tremendous light, hope and source of strength in my life. You taught me about a life that has incredible purpose and value. You taught me that I have incredible purpose and value. You see my strengths, address my weaknesses, and help me to overcome my obstacles so that I can be the very best that I can be. You see strong leadership abilities in me, and you see my potential to change the world through this ability. You have supported me when others have not. When my aspirations seemed far-fetched and ridiculous you encouraged me and got excited with me. You know my heart, and you know what I need. Sometimes you slip up, but we all do. We are only human. And I accept the fullness of our humanity. Every part. The good, the bad, and those in between.
We are made in God’s image. This means that those of any race, class, education level, gender, sexual orientation, etc. reflect God’s image. It means that those I disagree with, those that have harmed me, those that have opposite opinions of me…reflect God. Their opinions reflect God, and my opinions reflect God. God has more than one perspective, more than one opinion, more than one reflection.
Brother, you are someone I look up to. You have tremendous faith. You are a brilliant youth leader. A phenomenal pastor. A loving husband. An affectionate father. A person after God’s own heart. A true follower of Christ. A humble servant. A patient learner. An honest conversationalist. And my friend.
But, brother, you have hurt me the most, and you are one of the greatest and truest people I have met. I think it safe to say you are one of the greatest and truest people I will ever meet. And if the denomination allowed it, I would be honored if you officiated my wedding. It has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. Thank you for being with me, and not just beside me.
Love and Faith,
Melanie J. Lofgren