MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF RESPECT. Originally published on 6/20/2016
“The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone, not how you feel about them.” ~Steve Hall
The other day I had a date. I was more nervous than I typically would be, and after some conversation I noticed my guard going down. This shocked and scared me. After having my trust betrayed, and after being manipulated, several times, I had (and still have) immense trouble trusting others, and feeling safe around people. I may be an open person, but this is mainly a defense mechanism, so people cannot hurt me as easily.
Anyway, on our first date, we went to dinner at an African restaurant and walked around the city and the beach. We really connected, and opened up with each other. It went extremely well and we set up a date for later that week.
Before I had met him, I thought I knew what respect was. But clearly I did not.
On our second date, we were a little intimate. He was willing to do more than I, and as he progressed I would stop him and say no, and he would not say anything to try to convince me or do anything else that may change my mind. He just continued kissing me. Throughout the evening we would occasionally go back to kissing between conversation, laughter, food, music, YouTube videos, etc. And if I felt uncomfortable I said no, or pulled his hand away, and he would stop. No questions, no push back. It was so simple. I didn’t repeat myself. I didn’t have to use my strength. I didn’t have to use a stern voice. I didn’t have to define what abuse and assault were. It was nice. It made me feel good and confident.
I later told him that I really appreciated how respectful he was and how much it meant to me. He seemed surprised by how much I appreciated it (I was almost in tears). No one had respected me like that before. Everyone I had been intimate with in the past would continually try and try again or try to coerce me into doing more. People have used guilt, strength and alcohol to do so.
His respect is a huge attraction to me. The sad thing is, it really shouldn’t be. Respect is something that everyone you date, meet, are friends with, etc. should have and receive. The very fact that respect is something I look for in a relationship is wrong, and our society needs to realize this. I know too many people who have been assaulted and raped, and some did not even know it until they opened up to me.
This has been said over and over and over. But I guess people still do not get it, so I will say it again. No means no. Stop means no. Pulling a hand back means no. Resisting means no. These do not mean convince me. These do not mean get me turned on, so self-control is difficult. If you are confused by a verbal or nonverbal response to intimacy…ASK! It is not awkward. Intimacy requires communication before, during and after.
Being respected makes you feel like a person. It is a good feeling. And we all deserve it.