"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." 
                                                                                                                                          ~John 1:1 NRSV
 
I am now a couple weeks finished with my first year of school at North Park University. This past year has brought with it many challenges and insights into the world and myself. It was as if someone slapped the ignorance out of me. I have realized that I am feminist and bisexual despite the fact that I always have been. I have also adopted and learned of new theologies. I no longer believe homosexuality (or any sexual orientation) is sinful. Since this revelation I have written two research papers on the topic and done a presentation. I have been exposed to the LGBTQIA+ world, feminism and human rights on almost all levels. I have a lot more to learn and keep up with, but compared to my senior year in high school and prior, I have gained knowledge like bacteria reproduce. North Park is big on social justice and human rights; I am sure this has helped in the process of exposing my ignorance, but I do believe there was an ultimate cause.

All of this started because of one girl. A girl I now call my girlfriend.

​Amanda did not have a roommate at the start of the year, so she would often come to my room because my roommate, Emma, and I had our door open and as far as I know we seemed friendly. Amanda had met Emma at an event the previous year as well. She was shy, but I was also intrigued by her. I was not sure if I wanted to be her friend or not though.

The second week of school a group went to the beach together. I still had my eye on Amanda and continued to have this weird obsessive yet put off feeling towards her. After the beach we went to an Asian restaurant where I tried pho tai. Renee told me to stir quickly in order to break up the noodles, so I did, but she neglected to say in small circles. I stirred quickly and the broth went all over Kaylen and Annika. After spilling on them and embarrassing myself in front of people I barely knew I then proceeded to ask if I could try their food. I am not the smoothest when it comes to meeting new people.

Shortly after, we were all at breakfast, and Amanda said something weird and unusual and not something you’d expect from a shy person. I said something along the lines of, “She usually is not like this, don’t worry,” but she quickly responded, “yes I am,” and continued her conversation. This is when I knew my strange obsession with getting to her know her and being her friend was valid and a good decision.

I started to like the lone boy in our now group of friends, and would share every little thing that could be a hint to him reciprocating the feeling with whomever. We once held hands because I was scared (I was acting more scared in hopes that he would hold my hand). However, I soon realized he was not interested. I was just so excited that for once in my life a guy was not offset by my Christianity--or whatever it was that never made guys interested--that I overlooked the true person I wanted a relationship with.

Throughout the process of liking and getting over him I was trying to pursue a friendship with Amanda. She seemed so interesting, and I knew I wanted her as my best friend at this point. She constantly spoke out about human rights, and educated everyone on terms and current news. She was--and is-- so passionate about social justice and equality. It makes one a little jealous, but also proud to even know her name. I slowly began to pinpoint the reasoning to my initial intrigue and obsession, and realized I had a crush on her. I started putting pieces together from instances in high school and it all became clear.

I came out first to Amanda, and a few days later we were dating under the table…that is disregarding the people Amanda told due to her excitement. We wouldn’t hold hands in public at first, but slowly our friends began to notice things. If they asked we decided we would tell. Then I finally got the nerve to tell Emma, whom I had been friends with and known via youth group before college. I told three high school friends whom I felt definitely needed to know from me personally rather than social media. Over Thanksgiving break I came out to my parents. In January I finally told my two sisters. Everyone else eventually found out through social media. I regret not telling more people personally, but with everything that had been going on, coming out was the least of my worries.

Amanda and I hit a few bumps in regards to our faith and theologies, but we pushed through. Amanda is one of those people I can tell anything to. Even the stupid things I did to get attention from my best friends that nobody knows I actually did on purpose. She has a way of forcing things out of me with only her presence, and sometimes that is not even required. She cares for me and wants the best. She is an imperfect person with a perfect story. She calms me down and says the right things at the perfect time. She’s hilarious and weird, but her quirks are my quirks, and I love them. She gives the best hugs, and the littlest thing reminds me of her, and when I get the smallest reminder of her, the only thing I can do is smile (sometimes cry). I have fallen in love with Amanda Howe, and I am pretty damn lucky to be the girl she’s fallen in love with.

Love and Faith,
Melanie J. Lofgren
 
P.S. Amanda will tell you a different story. She thought I wasn’t fond of her, so she stayed away, and doesn’t remember ever coming into my room the first week or so, and admitted she did not know of my existence for a while. But her version makes mine all the sweeter.