GLORIOUS UNFOLDING. Originally published on 6/11/2015

“There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold, and this is going to be a glorious unfolding.”  
                                                                                                                           -Steven Curtis Chapman (Song: Glorious Unfolding).

“Melanie, you have to forgive him. You have to love him no matter what. He did not mean to hurt you or betray your trust. He did not mean to influence how quickly you came out. Give him mercy and give him grace. Remember what you live by and pride yourself for doing so well? You have a gift to be able to forgive and love others who have hurt you easily and continue your relationship with them and grow in it.” This is what I was telling myself just a few weeks ago. 

A few weeks prior to this I lost an internship I had with a covenant church. My internship was with a high school youth group, but also involved starting and managing a middle school after school program for Chicago Public Schools at the church. A few weeks prior to this I was fired from my summer job as assistant cook at the covenant camp I grew up going to. The reason I was dismissed from these positions…I am bisexual. 

Despite my usual method and process of healing after being hurt, I still was angry and upset. And this very fact made me even more upset because I just could not forgive the person who sent out this information to the church and camp.

Now this person, whose name I will keep confidential, did not simply just tell my former employers that I am bisexual. He contacted them and asked if I had informed them of my relationship with Amanda. Soon he emailed me “encouraging me to disclose my relationship” with my former employers. All seems fair especially considering the issue with homosexuality in some churches. The covenant is particularly sensitive on the topic right now, so I understood why he requested this from me despite my (among others’) frustration. What really got to me was that he contacted the church and camp without my permission and without even the slightest hint that he was going to. 

North Park, more specifically the youth ministry department, emphasizes that one should never tell another’s story. To go further one should never assume things of another’s story either. This person did both of these things. Not only did he tell my story to others, even if it was “pertinent” information for my job and internship, but he also assumed I was completely out, which I was not. I feel as if this person went through a lot to confirm his suspicions and then went behind my back to tell others of my sexuality before I was ready. 

It sucks how something that seems so small and trivial could cause such a betrayal of trust, I really wish it did not. It sucks that it was not intentional because it makes me feel awful for being angry and feeling so hurt and betrayed. 

But you know what? I have a right to be angry. I have a right to be upset. I have a right to feel hurt and betrayed. These are my feelings, and my feelings-though may be extreme-are completely valid and true. I am tired of constantly forgiving and loving without allowing myself to fully heal and process the situation. 

My would-be supervisor at the church told me that there is such a thing as righteous anger, and Amanda has told me this countless times as well. Another friend/role model told me that if something or someone leads you away from God, makes you angry at God and/or doubt your faith then it was not from God. 

This whole situation has done exactly this. I am not mad and never really was mad at the church. I am no longer mad at the camp. I am still mad at the person that instigated the situation however. I had difficulty associating with Christianity and anything that reminds me of this person. This includes North Park, lessons I’ve learned, faith and even friends. I am healing and can now associate with these things easily and usually without reluctance. However, the covenant I still find hard to associate with (except North Park).

I think what bothers me the most right now is that this person never apologized. Even though it was not intentional, the fact of the matter is that it still happened and was still he who caused me hurt. He only ever apologized for the situation and what ensued from it. He then continued to assure me he would always be there and be [that person] he once was for me. And please never say those things; it is degrading. All in all, even without intentional harm, I feel that he should take responsibility. 

Steven Curtis Chapman’s song Glorious Unfolding summarizes how I feel and what I am striving for now. “Just you wait and see and you will be amazed. You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over. So hold on to every promise God has made to us. And watch this glorious unfolding.” God has lead me to certain places and situations in my life, and for that I am both bothered and grateful. God has called me to youth ministry, and right now I see myself ministering to LGBTQIA+ youth in an urban setting, and for that I am blessed. And you know what? Whatever God has in store for me I will be amazed; I already am. I am 19 years old, and the story has just begun. Though the end is what I am aiming for, I think I will stop and just watch the glorious unfolding for now.

Love and Faith,
Melanie J. Lofgren