Always Stay. Originally published on 1/4/2016
“But I mean, we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as.” ~Annie (from the movie, Bridesmaids)
I think Annie was getting at something when she said this. Despite her mission to prove Helen wrong and to prove her friendship with Lillian in the most ridiculous of ways, Annie still spoke to an idea that has encompassed my past year.
Just one line earlier Helen says, “I think if you're growing, then you're changing.” Another concept that has been close to me recently. I have grown and changed tremendously this past year and specifically this semester. Yet at the same time I have not changed much at all.
There was a moment this past semester and summer that I strayed and turned from who I was, a believer and follower of Christ, but the ideals and values I had based from my Christianity had not changed. The reason had only changed.
This is what I believe Annie to have been getting at. Although the reasons and circumstances change, our values and ideals remain, in part, the same. At least when it comes to me. The basis for my life has been the same, but through the years why and how I defend this basis has grown, and therefore I have changed.
Let me give you an example.
I have a symbol (a heart with a cross) that represents the two things I live by, love and faith. These two ideas and actions are the basis for my life. In the past, my faith has been defended by explaining circumstances that may have happened without my faith (all of which had bad outcomes). Additionally, I shared the many good coincidences and miracles (or of the like) that have happened that make it impossible for God and my faith to not exist. However, now I give a better reason for my faith, it is the only thing that has given me hope and purpose and direction. My faith gives me all the joy I will ever need. God has never failed me. My prayers are always answered. And I always have a friend and someone to go to when all seems lost. The past reasons still remain, and hold truth, but they are not the prime reasons for my faith. Up until about a month or two ago, these reasons were not the same. I just liked the idea of being loyal and loving everybody because all humans deserve that. It was not based in a religious belief much at all, but rather in equality and kindness.
Nevertheless, in the last year, my faith has gotten me through rape, depression, self-harm, lust, rejection, betrayal, anger, pride, and loneliness. My faith and God have been there for me when no one else was or would be. Despite this, I did not always trust my faith or care to lean on it, after all it was Christians that kept rejecting me and hurting me. I hated God, and especially Christianity. How could I believe in a God that would let this happen to me? Or anyone? Doubts started swarming my mind and everything I learned…I questioned, especially those things I learned from the person who outed me to the employers of the places I was fired from.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, the signs at Pride gave me hope, but only for so long. It gave me enough hope to last
until returning to school was able to distract me. And that didn’t even last; I was soon upset again, and still could not forgive. I could not forgive anything. And the lack of an apology did not help. And I was certain God was not on my side.
You see, I never stopped believing in the existence of God; I just stopped believing that God was good.
Getting back to school was helpful. I was able to see friends again, and have fun, but I still felt alone, like I was homesick while being at home, [1] and rightfully so. There was nobody I could talk to that related to me. I had LGBTQ people or I had Christian people, and I had no one to trust.
So the anger and rage with God continued. Although, I did persevere and push through. I forced myself to do things I did not want to do. I forced myself to say things I did not want to say. I forced myself to go into situations where I may be rejected in order to try to be a part of community.
There was no hope. Nothing worked. And the only thing I knew, the only thing I could foresee in my life, the only thing that felt right was God. But God had forsaken me. Or so I thought.
God sent someone into my life, Justin. We had two classes together, and did several projects together. He was aware of potential things said and done in class that may hurt me. By the way, these “potential things” are called microaggressions, but more on that later. Justin checked in on me, and went out of his way to help me feel even the slightest bit better. He was…is genuine with what he says and does. He makes a clear point to love. A love I only wish I was capable of describing. Justin doesn't only do this for me though. He treats everyone equally, and let's us all know how valuable we are, especially in God's eyes.
My soul was empty, and I had no hope nor love nor passion. Justin reminded me that I was loved every day, and gave me the hope that I needed to get through each and every day, and in the long run helped restore my passion.
Justin reminded me that God is not to blame, and neither are those that hurt me. The institution of Christianity? Yea, probably. But, right now I need to focus on Jesus rather than justice. I have been humbled this semester. I have reconciled and God has reconciled on the behalf of others. Reconciliation means agreeing to disagree and giving grace and mercy in the worst of situations instead of seeking immediate justice. Grace and mercy are also what I need to be doing right now. Justice will come in time.
Does that make sense? All that I’ve said? And how I have changed while simultaneously not changing?
To me who I am has not changed. I am a Christian. I am a beloved child of God. The only differences or changes in my life are that I’ve learned that I have an attraction to females and all genders in addition to males. I also learned how to be more confident and less ignorant through that realization.
My sole identity and how I want to be known is that I am a Christian. First and foremost. And that will always stay as my identity.
___________________
[1] Description of Depression taken from Sarah Silverman on the Ellen DeGeneres show (Season 13 Episode 32).
Love and Faith, Melanie J. Lofgren