God's Irony

“Though he was God’s Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do.” ~Hebrews 5:8 (The Message)

For three years, April 14 & 15 came with a lot of disappointment and pain. This year, however, my only disappointment came from the freshly fallen snow this Palm Sunday.

God swooped in this Sunday with more than just ironic weather.

Typically, these dates remind me of the email I got back in 2015 from my youth pastor at Hinsdale Covenant Church that made me feel vulnerable and exposed. Although I wasn’t ready, I felt pressured to come out to everyone publicly despite not fully understanding my sexual orientation. So, the day after receiving the email, I posted about my new relationship with my then girlfriend, which ironically was also our 6-month anniversary.

As simple, harmless, and trivial as these circumstances may seem, they are more complex, and caused feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal. All this pain I’ve come to associate with the evangelical covenant church (ECC) and my pastor was put on the back burner. I not only ignored the pain, but I denied it for at least 2 years.

After sorting through other traumas, I realized my desire to have an actual relationship with God again. But turning to God meant that I had to face how incredibly bitter and angry I still was with the church. I tried numerous ways to let go of the hurt. I threw myself into activism. I attempted giving grace and forgiveness. I even filmed myself burning and breaking Hinsdale Covenant and Covenant Point branded items as I poured out my heart and cried. None of it helped. And eventually I accepted that I cannot force healing and forgiveness.

I do not know how or when it exactly happened, but I was overwhelmed with this idea that I needed to go back to the ECC, to Hinsdale Covenant. It was at this moment I realized I needed God more than I needed to be affirmed or accepted. And so, back to Hinsdale Covenant I went.

Here’s where God’s irony comes in.

After searching for a diverse and affirming community, I wound up back at a non-affirming and semi-diverse church community.

Sunday, 4/14/2019, was the second service I attended since my epiphany of needing to go back to the ECC and Hinsdale Covenant. Not only did I not realize what date it was and its significance, but nearly all the people that were involved in the removal of my employment status from ECC ministries after I was outed were at that same service.  

Four years ago in 2015, after the Easter service, I was proud that I was able to attend church with my girlfriend, despite being initially hesitant and weary of how we presented ourselves.

As I drove home after this past Palm Sunday service, a similar sense of pride came over me. I had finally and truly let go of my bitterness. I said hello to my youth pastor without hesitation, and we mutually patted each other on the back and smiled. I had a conversation with the Executive Director of Covenant Point. I took notes without searching for a reason to be mad or for an error. I didn’t aim to come late or leave early. I wasn’t nervous or afraid to step through the doors.

I let go of my past pain. The same pain I had been forcing myself to heal from was released. I did not need intense symbolism and reckless vulnerability. All I needed was to give it genuinely and humbly to God.

This was a difficult and drawn out process. I lost trust in everyone, and especially in the church. I eventually understood I didn’t trust God either. It took a lot of convincing myself, patience, and giving zero fucks about the consequences of stepping into a space filled with triggers. This also meant giving zero fucks about my own life in the grand scheme of it all but knowing that communion with God was worth the risk.

There is a beautiful irony that came with a blizzard in mid-April at the start of Holy Week, and God showed up in the snow to show me how everything is made beautiful in its time. These dates that typically induced hurt and anxiety came instead with joy for the risen King. I am proud of myself because this shows the progress and growth I have made. Things rarely work out the way I hope, so it’s good to remember that moving on and healing from hurts will not happen in the same manner every time. I am happy to be where I am, and I am confident in myself and my future. I can say without hesitation or bitterness or anger that God is good.

Love and Faith,

Melanie J. Lofgren