“Vulnerability is not about winning. It’s not about losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.” ~Brené Brown

I once said that truly knowing someone was the core component to having deep relationships and thus reducing the impact of microaggressions. This type of knowing though comes from the biblical Greek word ginóskó. Ginóskó means to know whether something is at the beginning or is complete. It means to perceive, to mark, to discern, to view with favor, to determine by examination, to acknowledge, to resolve, to be assured. In short, you must have love and be vulnerable in order to ginóskó, or combat microaggression. Microaggression is not the reason I reference my TEDx talk though. I bring it up because my actions and behavior have not been in line with my own theories and advice preventing myself to ginóskó and have deep relationships.

I have always prided myself on being open and vulnerable, however as it turns out- I am not. It’s not that I don’t know what vulnerability is. I know what it is. I have watched Brené Brown’s TED talk and Netflix special…and I talked about it in my own TEDx talk. I have just mistaken it as transparency in my own life. I share what has happened, my interpretation and emotions attached with the experience, and how I have grown and potentially how I continue to grow. But it’s infrequent that these occasions ended with uncertainty or discomfort. I only share about things I have processed, dealt with, and moved on from. I rarely am in a place of being uncomfortable or being brave enough to put myself out there and not know how it will turn out.    

My lack of vulnerability has left me with surface level friendships. Except that others do not see it in the same light. They see my transparency as vulnerability, and though I am unaware of it in the moment, I do this on purpose. It leaves me in control of my story and my life. I am so focused on not being hurt again and not being dependent that I became a fraud. This fact has become apparent in just the last week. And now I see that this fraudulence has led to my deepest and biggest fear becoming a reality.

I am terrified of hurting other people. I hurt someone about two years ago very badly, and it haunts me. I have nightmares of its occurrence or of a similar instance happening again. And I have not forgiven myself, and do not think I will ever permit myself to forgive myself for it.  Being in control allows me to see where I may hurt someone, and thus I control my words and actions accordingly, so it leads to the least amount of damage possible. This has meant doing and saying many things against my own thoughts and feelings as well as improper discipline when at work.

Here are some examples:

• Saying yes when I want or need to say no

• Avoiding difficult conversations

• Making it seem like there were a lot of factors that led to x happening, when it was that one person who really fucked up, so my discipline becomes an explanation for their behavior

• Making it difficult for someone to pursue a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with me (e.g. creating instances where hand holding is hard, being in a hurry, bad mood, busy, or stressed)

• And more

The issue is that through trying so hard not to hurt others and to remain in control, I have hurt others and lost control. I have no idea how I feel half the time, I fake my happiness, and have let people think I’m being vulnerable when I am not. Worst of all, I think they too are faking their vulnerability; thus, I do not see the significance of what they are saying causing even more hurt. 

When I stood up to give a TEDx talk little did I know that not only I would be teaching myself something two years down the road, but also that I had set myself up for failure. When I ended the talk saying, “you at least had to be willing to Ginóskó,” I unintentionally generalized it all my relationships. Therefore, I thought that if I am willing to have deep relationships then I can avoid hurting others, be happy, have a support system, be in control- and combat microaggression. And now all my relationships are one-sided, and I do not view any of them as deep or strong. It’s no wonder I always want to watch tear-jerkers and inspirational movies. I have made my life devoid of meaning and depth.

 I don’t want you (or rather myself) to think that this lack of vulnerability is the only thing leading to my menial relationships. It is also the remnants of the betrayal and hurt of past friendships, romantic relationships, and mentorships still manifesting my mind. Telling me that no one will stay or support me. That people will hurt me, let me down, and probably leave me if not stab me in the back. Hence the triviality of my relationships is still a defense mechanism as well as a way to maintain control.

What gets me is that I do all of this without any knowledge of doing it, but when I came to realize this it made complete sense, and just fit so perfectly.

And so…

To all my friends- I am sorry. I apologize for not being truthful. For not being courageous enough to tell you about the actual shit that’s going on in the moment. To treat our relationship as if it were there for my convenience.  

To those I have been in a relationship with and almost relationship with- I apologize for leading you on. I was putting feelers out to see if I could trust and lean on you. And some of you I could have, and still can. I apologize for letting you believe I was truly open with you. Yes, there were some things when I look back I was truly vulnerable about, but overall I was not. I did not see you as someone to vulnerable with or who vulnerable with me, rather you were there to add my sense of control and lessen my insecurity. I am truly sorry and hope that through therapy and a lot of DEAR MAN (a DBT skill) that I am able to change this.

It kills me that I have been a fraud. In my last blog I talked about trying to find what is fraudulent and what is genuine in my life. As it turns out- I am what is fraudulent. And now I must forgive myself for that and ask for your forgiveness. This is my first step in being more vulnerable. Not only typing this, not only posting this, but sharing it with those who really need to read it, who need my apology.  I will aim for more vulnerable with you. I will not simply be willing to be vulnerable. No, I will be vulnerable. Please know though, it will take time and a lot of work. Please call me out gently or as Judy Peterson would say, call me up. I am going to hurt you, and you are going to hurt me, and well...that’s why I am going back to therapy. So…let’s give it a go!

Love and Faith,

Melanie J. Lofgren